The Ship that Shouldn’t Sink

One of my friends from the University recently got married in Dubai a few days back. It made me think: How do you imagine your future family to be like, if you are a young adult? Do you dream of spending quality time with a happy loving family comprising parents, spouse, and kid(s)? If you have already initiated your family of pro-creation, do you wish for more freedom and breathing space from your near and dear ones? In case you are a senior citizen, would you want to make amendments in your decision related to marriage partner or marriageable age if time machine is for real, and gives you a chance to go back? Contrarily, are you at the other end of the continuum and think that marriage is an outdated institution, and you would be better off with a couple of loyal and selfless cats and dogs instead? Do you reason out that marriage is only good enough for financial gains or conveniences? Do you ponder if Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Model could be revamped to exclude ‘love/ belongingness’ in today’s world? 

Different people opine differently on the topic of marriage and romantic relationships. Marriage is a process where two individuals declare their relationship publicly, which lasts until death, unless punctuated by separation. Admittedly, the popularity of marriages is declining, and incidents of divorce are increasing globally. The break-ups are more in developed countries than in developing ones. For instance, 40-50% of married couples get divorced in the US, while the divorce rate is 1.3% in India. Could it just be a mere coincidence, or are there more reasons which keep a marriage going? Having been born and brought up in India, I have witnessed social pressure and concern for off-springs, as the major binding force which keeps couples together—at least under one roof. Although, on a more positive note, the 7 pheres (Hindu ritual of circling around sacred fire) require the bride and groom to start their new life together, with 7 vows which have an essence of modern values where couple stand equally and promises each other lifelong companionship. The seven vows are to nourish each other, remain friends, and together always, take care of parents and children, through good and bad times alike, preserve wealth, and be each- others’ strength. Such conscious commitment probably lays the strong foundation of marriage, from the beginning. Commitment is that string that securely fastens the balloon of infidelity, I read somewhere. 

Moreover, taking a cue from Bollywood which has sizzling stories of heartbreaks of celebrities, there are some long-lasting affairs too that have resulted in ‘and finally they lived happily ever afters’ like that of Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh, and lately Deepika Padukone and Ranveer Singh.

So what makes people tick and stick together? Firstly, the ‘we’ versus ‘me’ feeling which relates to sharing, and trusting each other works wonders, even long after the honeymoon period is over. Research findings indicate that adaptability which helps develop similar habits and interests, like going for scuba diving, reading books or watching the same web series together increases commonality. Secondly, expressing gratitude through words or caring actions, like giving medicines timely when the other is sick, helps cement the relationship as opposed to playing the blame game. Thirdly, giving time to understand and accept the spouse as a complete package, and not in bits and pieces, is quite essential. Since we all have weaknesses and no one is perfect it is foolish to look for an ‘ideal match’. So rushing into a marriage without getting adequate time to know the pluses and minuses of those involved, may lead to disappointment. Fourthly, I have been told time and again that marriage requires adjustment from both sides. However, if the situation spins out of control, it may call for some serious discussion and commitment, rather than creating a deadlock. Last but not the least, faithfulness and forgiveness are the rudders which help the (relation)ship stay afloat in spite of choppy waters.

In case any marriage is in trouble, what can be done so as not the let the ship sink? Constant difficulty in close relationships requires some intervention. Interpersonal Therapy is a short-term therapy based on the belief that issues in our interpersonal lives may manifest in psychological disorders and symptoms such as depression. So, psychologists help concerned persons communicate better. Conversing helps comfort both the people, sometimes, it can be clubbed with medication as well. Self-assessment activities by couples acted as a booster dose to build immunity and keep their relationship going for longer.

Given the above, I can only suggest from my observations and some secondary research that saving marriages is a stubborn priority for families. For the Millennials and Generation Z, remaining unmarried till 30’s and 40’s is the new in thing—their way of remaining free without any strings attached and postponing commitment as much as possible. But is it the right thing to do? I certainly cannot answer that for you. As individuals, we all are responsible and accountable for our own decisions and actions. Though, as famously said by Hellen Keller, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart,” so make a wise choice about love, when it knocks on your door and take the plunge sensibly. 

- Rajavee Arora

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