Break-up: The Ghosting Way?

 

You might be wondering that in this month of love, February, why am I writing about ‘break-up’?  Let’s go by evidence—in a 2012 research paper by Collins, they analysed different break-up tactics. One major one is—avoidance, in which A reduces being in touch with B, in present and future—besides others, like confrontation or self-blame as ways of moving away. So, when a person avoids another by withdrawing to communicate in any way, it is called ghosting—like disappearing into thin air. Such behaviour isn’t new, and can be seen in romantic relationships, friendships, and even professional relationships. People are all there one moment, and just go missing, the next! Scary?

The question arises that who might be a ghost in this case? And why do people leave others in a lurch? Anyone with avoidant attachment style, with its roots in childhood, often ditches others as they shirk from emotional closeness. Second, if one has been ghosted by other, they would in turn do the same with another person—like paying someone else in the same coin. It is like their primitive coping mechanism, through avoidance or denial. In case of online dating too, ghosting takes place when someone ceases to reply. So, third reason is that people feel safer when dating online, but shy away as they come face to face, in the absence of filters. When people find the zodiac sign characteristics missing, age showing through the lines on the skin, and the flashy car missing in real life—they lose interest in the other. Fourth, the ‘hook-up’ culture is short-term in nature. Hence, the lack of empathy leads to rejection. Findings of a survey in 2016 by Maclean showed that 80% of online daters have been affected by ghosting. It is becoming like the new normal, in which females are hit harder than males when they make a wrong choice, as per the Error Management Theory of Haselton & Buss.

Next, what happens to one who is ghosted? The one who is at the receiving end moves from a state of pleasure to distress. They certainly are hurt, feel frustrated, annoyed, and lose confidence, especially if their self-esteem is low or they are prone to anxiety.  Psychologically, the moral bruise has been equated with physical pain because it activates the same neurological pathways in the brain. For some, the effects of ghost-baiting  get worse and traumatic. At this point, the Zeigarnik Effect needs to be understood. It means we remember events which have been left incomplete. Let us visualize that there are different tabs inside our brain for various tasks, which close when we finish them—humans like closure. Others which remain open, beg for attention and therefore keep upsetting the person. This is the explanation of why the ghostee finds it difficult to move on, when the ghoster disappears without a trace.

Finally, how to deal with ghosting? Develop better interpersonal skills because self-assessment shows that if one is too clingy or gets angry easily, it makes the other passive—and they decide to turn their back once and for all. Then again, ask for a meeting for closure. In a case, a ghostee met the ghoster where the latter accepted one’s mistake. It was easier for the former to accept the unsaid apology, and move on in life. Interestingly, in ‘Loving Bravely’ by Alexandra Solomon,  the process of closure can be done by the ghostee individually too, by using a technique, Name-Connect-Choose. So, the need to get in touch again for an exit interview, does not arise (leave a message in the comments below if you wish to learn it).

 

I would only say that love is beautiful, but the end-of-relationship too can be handled maturely, rather than just disappearing. It creates problems which turn into cankers. Anyways, I feel that if any relationship does not work out, trust destiny’s plan—better people are in store for you, in future.

 

Hope you find and flourish with true love! 😃

-Rajavee Arora